Ten lessons learnt from moving abroad
What are yours?
Hi friends,
This year I will have lived abroad for nine years. Shriek.
That’s three years longer than I lived in London, where I spent most of my twenties, but still a reasonable way off the twenty-eight years I lived in the UK. I suspect the time creeps up on you, like the crinkles above my knees. Like adulthood in general.
Living in another country was something I always wanted to do, but which always felt destined for some other, cooler, people. Those with certain knowledge, connections, or ‘je ne sais quoi’. In reality they were just the people who already knew, even subconsciously, that life was something you could shape, and not an inanimate object flung at you to duck or deal with.
Unfortunately I didn’t move overseas and become cool. Despite living in Singapore for the first four, and now Spain for the last five - alas, I am still a nerd.
But embarking on this process has changed me forever, for better and for worse. I recommend it to everyone, even if it’s for a short time. I don’t think anything I’ve done has helped more gain more confidence, self-awareness, or communication skills. But then again, maybe that’s also the adulthood part?
Whatever it is, here are some of the lessons I’ve learnt packing all my belongings in a bag and heading out for ‘a while’. And if you’ve ever lived abroad, I’d love to know: do the lessons you’ve learnt look the same? What ones would you add to my list? Let me know in the comments.
Emma x
PS - Thank you for reading today’s Scrambled Eggs. If you enjoyed it I’d love it if you could please hit the heart to let me know and help others find it ❤️
Recent servings 🍳
1. Living overseas expands your world and brain…
Most people move abroad for an adventure, and I was no different. I moved to Singapore not really knowing a soul, nor anything about the country. I was terrified. But pushing myself out of my comfort zone changed me for the better. It also made me realise that how you do something at home is just ‘one way’, and not necessarily ‘the best way’.
Another big reason I moved abroad was to experience life in a different place, with new cultures, customs and languages. Certain milestones, like being invited for Reunion Dinner in Singapore on Lunar New Year, or watching a reel in Spanish and 'getting’ the jokes, are unforgettable: little fist pumps to celebrate how far you’ve come.
2. But accept you may never truly ‘fit in’
That said, when you move abroad you often have the question lingering over you: ‘when will I truly fit in?’
Will I always be the ‘guiri’ in Spain? In Singapore, will I always be the ‘ang moh’? Even living in Spain for five years and speaking a decent level of Spanish, the assumption is usually that I’m here on holiday.
This isn’t to say ‘woe is me’, I recognise the mountains of privilege I have compared to other immigrants in these same places - privilege afforded solely by good luck. But that doesn’t stop the questions hovering over your head. Will I ever feel like this is ‘my place’? Will I ever feel like this really is my community? And how can I be more intentional about creating that feeling wherever I am? It’s a question you have to think about if you’re looking to stay somewhere longer-term.
3. Moving abroad can be as simple as packing a bag, getting on a plane, and getting off at the other end
I’ve written before about how I didn’t realise just how easy it was to move until I packed two suitcases, got on a flight and got off at the other end. Of course that neatly sidesteps all the immigration issues (I needed a visa sponsored by a company to move to Singapore) and, again, the privilege of being able to do it, but if you have the luck and opportunity to try but are putting it off, just know it’s not as hard as you think.
And if you are thinking of moving to another place just for a few initial months to scope it out, just do it. If the idea is already half-formed in your head, scratch that itch or risk regretting it forever.
4. Which can make it hard to choose where to go next!
First you realise ‘how easy’ it can be to move abroad (situation and location-depending). The dangerous part is you then realise how easy it is to move abroad!
Since first moving I’ve considered moves to Melbourne, Taipei, Hong Kong, and Mexico City. Switching to a remote-first job in 2017 meant I could live out some of these dreams, if only for a few weeks at a time.
5. Your friends become family
Thousands of kilometres away from home, you suddenly find yourself depending on people you just met for some of the most important things going. Your friendships form quickly and tightly because of this. You’re suddenly hiking a volcano with a few women you met at a bar the week before. Your new colleague is coming to pick you up from hospital because you had an emergency.
This ‘leaning in’ towards new friendship when you move overseas is one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen. Even though I can’t now see my Singapore friends as often, I will never forget the bond we had, the things we supported each other through, nor the way we launched ourselves into crazy weekends away barely knowing each other. And I know that, if push came to shove, the majority of them would still show up for me tomorrow if I needed them to, even if it had to be on a FaceTime.
Time passes, but that feeling of family was there, and it was real, even if for a season rather than forever.
6. And you realise how long true friendships take to form
That’s not to say that all the friends you make abroad will go the distance. As you - or they - move on, the adage of ‘friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime’ comes to mind. And that can be really hard. In Singapore, where people tend to move on in two-year cycles, I felt the grief that comes with seeing that ‘family’ move on, and again when I left myself.
I don’t think you can have too strict an idea of what ‘friendship’ is when you’re living abroad and making new connections regularly. Instead it’s best to see friendship like waves on the ocean: sometimes you’ll be operating at different heights on the water, and other times you’ll come to meet again.
Spending time in new countries also made me realise how precious old friends are. As much as I love all the friends I’ve made throughout every stage of life, I still long for a proper night out with my University gang, and dream of starting a commune with my mates from High School. Being with people who know and love the entirety of you, and not just the one who exists now, but the one who has changed over a long period of time is really hard to beat.
7. You notice how your environment shapes your personality
When I lived in London I went to the theatre around two to three times a month. Being young in the city you could get the cheap tickets, it was a fun night out after work, and - oh, yeh, I loved theatre.
But did I? Because since I moved to Singapore and then Spain, I have probably been to the theatre about ten times… with most visits in London. Away from a truly cultural city, I seem to have become less “cultured”, and it’s funny how living abroad in different places can make you question who you really are, what you really like, and how much you are shaped by your city, as well as local trends.
At the same time, new climes will open you up to whole new hobbies you may never have considered. Now I live in Valencia, I spend much more time outside being active, and it’s been easier to try new hobbies like rockclimbing or paddleboarding. Even my walking pace has drastically reduced since moving to Valencia, but that might be the summer heat as much as the relaxed vibe.
8. And not always for the better
The amount of times I almost lost my handbag in London because I put it down mindlessly, as opposed to ‘on my lap, hand on it, strap around my shoulder’ as is the ‘London Way’. I just don’t have the street-smarts like I used to.
In fact, the night I got my phone stolen out of my hand there in 2021, I had literally just thought to myself ‘you’re not in Valencia anymore, Dorothy’, as I wandered through Highbury Park like a sitting duck.
There have also been more negative parts of my personality I think have come out more since living abroad. I’m now much more direct, which isn’t always an issue when trying to communicate with others who find Englishisms too impenetrable, but has come across as too forthright when I’m back in the UK.
To top it off, Singapore spoiled me: I got so used to everything being so convenient and began to notice just how impatient I was at even having to wait a few minutes in a queue. If you have the self-awareness, living abroad forces you to look at who you can become when no-one you love is watching (and then calling you out), which can be quite confronting.
9. Your idea of ‘home’ becomes complicated
Since moving abroad my idea of ‘home’ has expanded, but also become trickier to define.
Is home where you are physically? Where your sofa and TV are? Where your family is? Where your friends are? How do you figure it out? Moving abroad you quickly realise that ‘home’ can be many things, which is positive in its expansiveness, but makes it harder to feel settled.
This is something I’ve grappled with ever since I first set my suitcase down in Singapore. ‘Home’ is now here, in Valencia. I’ve made forever friends. I’ve bought a flat. I’ve fallen in love.
But home is also in the UK where my family and longstanding friends are. My baby nephew. The best cultural scene I’ve ever seen. Marks & Spencers food halls. And a decent-sized-part of it is still left over in Singapore. Maybe home is truly wherever you lay your hat, as the song says.
How lucky we are that the world can feel like our oyster, but don’t be surprised if harder feelings come up too. I myself often still experience a restlessness that means I don’t feel truly, in-my-bones settled.
10. It’s all worth it
Moving abroad is exhausting. It’s lonely at times. It’s terrifyingly over-stimulating at others. And don’t even get me started on Spanish bureaucracy.
I remember crying in the backseat of a Singapore cab because I’d still only met one person I really connected with even after saying yes to absolutely every social invite for four weeks straight (also because bizarrely everyone in Singapore loves to tell newcomers how awful it is).
Even though I’d already done it once before, I remember the feeling of dread at having to psych myself up for another round of meeting new people. Relentlessly putting myself out there and being reduced to my seven year-old self when you see a night out happening that you said no to, or - even worse - weren’t invited to.
But like all intense feelings, the shit ones are as fleeting and hard to remember as the ecstatic ones. (And despite these short anecdotes I’d still tell anyone moving abroad to follow the same advice: say yes to every invite).
What I know I gained despite - or because of - all of those experiences was resilience, confidence, authenticity, vitality, and a shedload of fantastic memories, friends and stories.
If you’re sufficiently free, willing, lucky, and able, take this as your sign.
Go do it.
❤️ Thanks for reading today’s edition of Scrambled Eggs. If you enjoyed it, please hit the heart to let me - and others - know.
✈️ For those of you living away from the place you grew up, do these resonate? And I’d love to know, what lessons did you take away from the experience?
Enjoyed this Emma :-)
Question, when you were in Singapore and now Spain did you/do you feel more British/English than when you are in the UK?
Love this. And btw you are cool :)